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[That had been his thought. Piggles had been huge, green and blue and gold and friendly. He vividly remembered that. Green and gold like the trees, blue like the ocean and as solid and as grounded and...

HE would have to give the dragon more thought after this.]

You did tell me.

[He moved to take her hands.]

You told me about a friend you had. You called him Paul.

[He focused his gaze on her. Ready for anything. To catch her, hold her.]

You said. He was unnaturally long limbed...and tall.

What?

[Alex just breathes the word quickly, staring at him openly as she does so. In her memory, Alex can hear her first conversation with Sebastian Torres. How it was okay for him to talk about his imaginary friend with her because she can see him too. The phrase had given Alex nightmares for weeks after the cabin and after Tannis Brain had booked it and she stood before the familiar drawings. you can see him too. The words repeat in Alex’s brain and she just whispers to him aloud: ]

‘You can see him too.’ That’s what Sebastian said when I met him. ‘You can see him too.’ Sebastian wanted to know why I was following him, and said that I didn’t want to meet him but then his mother cut him off. It didn’t seem important at the time...

I...

[Alex just crumples forward, towards him and she’s shaking with fear. Her whole body and their bond is on fire with it, and her breathing is harsh and irregular. ] I don’t remember, Richard. Why don’t I remember?

[He moves forward to wrap his arms around her. He scoots his chair to sit beside her and hold her in his arms. He pours as much strength and support as he can into their bond feeling right for the first time since all of this because He is being a good leader and this is Alex.

His chest hurts for her. Cupping her cheek and meeting her gaze.]

I don't know.

[And he holds her against him.]

Cheryl and I remembered because I got it on video tape.

[He is lying and she might be able to sense that. He's always seen them. He sees them all the time he saw them in Braun's cabin, he sees them everywhere and they keep his distance.]

Maybe something happens as an adult. All this tells me Alex is that you and I were meant to find each other.

[He meets her gaze]

That we were meant to be together.

[He may meet her gaze, but he can't hold it. Alex goes perfectly still after she lowers her eyes, other than the violent shivering that she has no control over. Tears fill her closed eyes and then they edge over her lashes, drawing a thin line of black with them as they do it.

He's lying, Richard is lying and they both know it. Alex knows it as clearly as she knows that he believes that they were meant to find one another because of this, that they were meant to be together, but he's still lying.

She just whispers the words when she speaks, and it feels like a long time after he'd said those words and they ring in Alex's ears. ]

You're lying. Even after you promised there'd be no more secrets between us. You're still lying about seeing them. You've seen them. The cabin where they found Sebastian, Simon... Where else?

[Alex raises her eyes and her voice rises a little in pitch as she desperately asks:]

Is that one of the reasons you were avoiding me so much over the last year? Because you can see them around me?

[damn it damn it damn it. Damn this stupid ridiculous bond God he'd been so happy. It was so normal...

What do you do with something like that.

Tell her the truth. Tell her the truth because if you do not you will lose her and you will not get her back.

And what if that's for the best? How can a boy who befriends dragons give anyone anything good?

The truth.

He has to try damn it. He could compel her to obey to forget and the thought appeals but he...

The truth.]

Only after you started having problems sleeping. They...swarmed.

[his hands are rigid and he looks unbearably sad before in an effort to try and explain he withdraws and stares at her - truthful and sincere.]

I didn't think about it because I've always seen them they congregate in the shadows around me all the time. I thought...I thought they would go away in time because they only...they only...

I don't know! I'm sorry. This is why I don't believe I try and make it not real I was trying to protect you.

[he pulls away but moves to hold her hands. He is genuinely contrite. Genuinely panicked.]

You were gone for so long. And I wasn't sleeping. And they were there.

[Alex is shaking and she's crying silently, but she doesn't pull away from him, even if she doesn't look at him. She can feel his panic and his grief through the bond, but all it does is fuel hers all the more. With her chest rising and falling so rapidly, and her pulse thudding in her ears, Alex is very aware that she's having a panic attack. Dr. Bernier wasn't good for much, but she was good for somethings, and Alex is trying the grounding techniques she'd taught her. Five things you can see: Richard's eyes on hers. The wine glasses in front of them, the pizza, the panic in him... Four things you can feel: The chair beneath her. The sensation of her arms on the table. His hands on hers. Her hands on his. Three things you can hear: her breath, Richard's voice. The sound of the clock from the living room. Two things that you can smell: Richard, all musk and old books. Her own scent of coffee and rain. .One thing that you can taste: the wine and the pizza below the adrenaline bitterness in her mouth.

But it works, Alex is a bit calmer and she just softly says:]

I don't know what to say, Richard. I really don't know what to say to that. Are they... Are they around us now?

No.

[And he's not lying. The two of you living in a shared delusion is almost cute. There is a darker part of him that speaks at that. Seeing things that aren't there.

He keeps.his hands on hers. They don't need to be connected for him to pick up on her anxiety. You were gone for so long...

He files that away with textbook skill before kissing her cheek. It's such a boyish stupid gesture in his mind, like something he'd do to calm his mother during one of her attacks that his cheeks go pink.]

These are different shadows. There's nothing in them.

[Yet. And even if there were...the pauls had never hurt him. They just had malicious intentions. Looking back as an adult he'd thought it was just the machinations of a small boy and his sister. Children fearing something they didn't understand.

As an adult however he stood armored with science and facts and stared them down because if he didn't he would...he would have done what with them? What could he do with them why did they pick him to stalk. Charlie had seen them but they picked him to surround like valets at attention...

They weren't getting him. Or Alex.]

I won't offer you empty platitudes Alex. You're too smart for that.

I will say that whatever intention the entities have they have never harmed me. Or anyone I love. Just...scared the hell out of them. So if they appear to you or anyone I will...exert what little will I have over them.

[he's not sure, and in his mind he sounds ridiculous but if he's able to do these things and they follow him and they've never left him then...

He goes over that statement. Have? Will? He has no control over any of that. Its a lie.

Right?]

I doubt yelling at then will do much but they won't hurt you or anyone. Not while I'm here.

[For a long moment, Alex is just quiet. She's deep in thought but there's a ghost of the smile when he kisses her cheek. Alex mulls over what they'd known about the children who see the shadows, the ones who were old enough to talk about them anyway. Sebastian hadn't been scared. Simon... was Simon about it. Of course he was Simon about it. But it goes with what Richard was saying about how they never harmed him or the people that he loved.

Charlie had seen them too, it went without saying, and Alex knows it. Alex had joined a weird little band and she doesn't remember any of it. She doesn't remember having a childhood friend who was a demon, and she doesn't remember her mother or the life that Alex had led with her before the Child Protective services had gotten involved. She doesn't know why it changed when the Reagans took her in (it might have changed before all that, of course, but Alex doesn't know and instead she just latches onto her parents as a savior as Alex always did.) but she knows that when she felt loved, she didn't need the shadows.

The Torres family had been fighting and a shambles, Simon's parents had fed them to him. Just like Maddie Franks had done to Robbie, and something had happened to Katie Yi. The Strands were of course the Strands, and Charlie had lost her mother.

When Alex speaks, it's soft and what they had talked about after the files on Hausdorff had been found and Richard didn't dismiss them any more.]

Watchers. Pilori. They don't need to hurt us because that's not their job.

[She sounds miserable. She sounds certain.]

It's before someone opens the door for us, like they did with Simon and Robbie. Only no one did. Not for me, not for you, not for Charlie and and not for Cheryl. So, they're still waiting.

[It's the term open the door. that makes him stop and freeze. He doesn't mean to sound angry. There's no anger in the bond, there's only fear and then acceptance. Sad acceptance.]

Open the door.

Like what I'm supposed to do.

[That doesn't change that he sounds angry.]

So without doing something and making the right choice I've potentially condemned you to suffer - because of my choices.

[No. No way in hell. Not Cheryl. Not Charlie. Not Alex. Especially now. There's just determination.

His smile is sarcastic.]

Kind of puts what Coralee did to me ...kind of makes it worse doesn't it.

[Or should he have listened?]

You're not going to do it.

[Alex insists quickly, looking at him as she does it. She shifts so that she's facing him again, and she lets go of his hands and wraps them around her face.]

You're not going to make that choice, Richard. I know you. If it's us, if it's me versus the rest of the world and opening the door and letting the demons into the world? I'd rather suffer for it. I'm sure everyone else would to. I don't even remember what it was like, alright? I don't remember. But I know that you're not going to damn the world. And you're not going to do whatever the hell else Warren wants. You're too stubborn for that.

[A pause, and Alex's voice is softer:]

What Coralee did is unconscionable. She... I don't know. But she should have stopped it. I don't care that she loved you. I don't care that she still loves you. She's the worst and she shouldn't have taken away your choices, and she shouldn't be trying to take them away now.

[He cupped her cheek and drew her in for a kiss at that. It's soft and gentle and he sits back with a sad little laugh.]

Forget Hades and Persephone, you're my damned stubborn champion. My knight in shining armor.

[He folds his hands.] Alex you should watch for them. Even if you've never had abilities, we should watch for them here. There is always the possibility this child might be affected by them.

[The thought of Sodder always comes with finding her. With freeing her, and there is something about the notion that makes him sick. His head instantly starts pounding and he slumps in his chair visibly pained.]

I need to lie down. Thinking about that child makes me sick. It's like someone is driving spikes into my head.

...I think we need to take a two man approach to this. I'll focus on my...gifts and studying them and the library and you...

Please. Please don't do anything reckless. Please.

[Alex just frowns as she reaches over and touches his forehead, trying to soothe it with her cool hands. But she frowns a bit, thinking about it.]

Okay, so I think you need to stop thinking about Sodder. Maybe it's something involved with the being here or the connection to the world that overwhelms whatever gift you have. Like trying to connect something meant for a double A to a car battery.

[But she does frown:]

That's what you want me to do? Not be reckless? Really? What am I supposed to do here? Everything here is a risk.

Contrary to what people might think, I don't like the idea of children being held against their will and if I could find her...

[Bile rises up at the back of his throat and he slams to his feet and bolts for the bathroom without a second thought. He pukes up the rest of dinner and instantly feels better before he shakes his head, leaning against the wall.]

Seems stupid to have superpowers and not...be able to use them.

[But the moment Alex speaks he glares at her.]

Try to use any instinct of self preservation you have. Please. Blackwood and Sims and the rest of them may...

[His stomach churns. Be morally bankrupt. Be ridiculous. Be absolutely inexplicably...strange]

...have more of an idea in time. About how to go about this.

[Alex follows him to the bathroom, and she frowns before filling him a glass of water. It feels like they're doing this a lot and every connection that they seem to have to that is the mention of Sodder.]

I get that you want to help! [Alex honestly thinks that even when he was being his most skeptical, and his most antagonistic it was because he wanted to help the people that were dealing with the sorts of things that he'd casually admitted that they were real.]

But clearly you can't help her. Not now, not like this. Clearly thinking about it is doing this. Cause and effect, Richard. So your choices are to keep trying and spend all of your time puking your guts out with a pounding headache or worse.

[Alex doesn't want to think about the worst. As a matter of fact, she tries not to think about the worst, which of course means that it's permeating through her brain and their link. She pictures him braindead, or something else as bad as a stroke only magically inclined in nature. This place has magic and they both know it. And it's clear that this aspect of it is bad for him.]

We'll figure it out then. But until then, I'm going to be me, Richard. And if you want me then you get all of me not just the pieces that you like!

[Ridiculous stupid absolutely stubborn woman-

But he's one to talk, getting to his feet like a wobbling colt and glaring down at her.]

I don't want to have to go into the woods to find your body. All I am asking for is caution..

[Despite everything however he chuckles, that same chuckle that's just hers.]

But I just -

Tried to use my so-called powers against your wishes and threw up so I'm one to talk aren't I.

[Fuck it.]

Besides I think if anything happened to you -

[He can't joke about that. His features crack.]

If they appear here. And I see them. I will tell you. You have my word. Even if it...even if it's not worth much. It's just the two of us right?

It’s worth something. I believe you. I believe in you, Richard. I believe you’ll tell me. And I’ll try not to go into anything that’s getting me murdered, alright? At least not knowingly.

[Uknowningly is an entirely different story however. Because it is. It has to be. Alex is Alex is Alex and she’s going to be who she is with or without permission. But she does try to calm him a bit. ]

I’m getting self defense lessons from Huntress. I’m going to be okay. So let’s make a deal. A real one this time. You stop trying to find Sodder, and I’ll be better about danger. Okay?

[He nodded.]

As soon as I know. As soon as I understand what this is. I hope I'll be more than a useless mess. But I won't...

[He nodded] I'll turn my mind from that.

Alex have you ever thought you have some skill like this?

What?

[Alex just blinks at the question. Even with what the two of them were talking about, even knowing what they knew now about her having been able to see Paul, Alex never considered that she might have other things involved with that.]

There’s no way I’m psychic. I mean. If I was it would have come out already. I believed in all of that all along. It’s not as if I’ve been like. Blocking it or something, you know?

[Like Richard himself had been.]

Worth seeing if there's a correlation.

[His laugh is a little sad.]

Every time I thought of using this he'd hurt me Alex. You can't blame me for not being willing to embrace it.

That's natural. Right?

[For a moment Alex just looks entirely stricken and she covers her mouth with her hand. ]

Shit, Richard I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn’t. My brain isn’t fully working right now.

[Nobody is. Nobody does, but the truth is that he has never owned that before.

Staring it in the face he inhales and when he speaks he's not angry. There's just a resolute oh.

His first thought is that he wants to take a walk, to run, but Alex is the only person who has ever been there for him wholly and utterly. He can't run.]

Everyone here demanding my time and energy and asking - ordering, demanding that I believe. That young man Martin and his ...what is Sims to him anyway? Husband?

[The way he reacts it makes sense, but Richard continues] All of the kids.

Took all of that to make me confront the fact that he took that from me.

[His voice trails off before he stares at her looking lost.]

...Just. More to process. Which is fine at least I have time. And it's ...good to acknowledge it because if something happened...

[He brushes it off.]

I just never vocalized it before. We're both learning a lot about ourselves here. Which is good.

[He sighs] And now I really do think. We should sleep. Or at least consider sleep.

Edited 2020-05-10 03:57 (UTC)

[Alex doesn't think she's ever going to go to sleep again, but she does give him a smile and a little nod, before she just reaches over and wraps her arms around him. It's not anything sexual, it's a hug because she's pretty sure at this point that both of them need one. She knows that she does, and Alex suspects that he does too. It's a hugging sort of thing, really.]

I think they're like us, actually. Back home something, and something else here. When I met Martin he was at the lake, thinking about stealing some water because he's worried about Jon hurting himself somehow. I can relate. And I'm sure you can too. But we have time, and I think things will get easier.

[It's not as if things were going to get any less impossible here, and there's no going back from it while they're still in Deerington. There just isn't. Not for anyone, it's part of something that seems ingrained to the very fabric of the town.]

[He returns the hug like a desperate child before pulling away.]

Just one foot in front of the other.

I can do that.

You can, Richard. I promise you can. And I definitely will help. I’m good at that.

I'm holding you to this too.

[He focuses on her.]

We have to look out for each other.

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CW: Mentions of Child Abuse.

Re: CW: Mentions of Child Abuse.

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