11calls: Walking in mist is a bad idea, Alex. (Default)
Alex Reagan ([personal profile] 11calls) wrote2020-09-07 03:36 pm
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deploy: (john109)

[personal profile] deploy 2018-04-21 07:57 pm (UTC)(link)
Alex hugs him, and he snaps back out of his fugue. He wasn't expecting it, in spite of the fact they'd spent the entire night in each other's arms. Sex has always been easy for John, and he's never had a shortage of interested partners. Easy to keep simple. Get the other person off, and you can pat yourself on the back and call it a night.

It's the casual intimacy that gets to him. Hugs. Holding hands. Lying together, like this, instead of bolting for the door as soon as they're finished. Sometimes, he just doesn't know what to make of it. Whether he likes the feeling of being held close, or if it's painful. Because he knows it won't last, and that he shouldn't get used to it. Then he doesn't have to go without, or feel the lack of it, when he's alone again. Which he always is.

Right now he feels raw, so raw that her question, however gentle, makes him flinch. John prefers to lick his wounds in private. So no one can rub salt in them. He made the mistake of opening himself up to Poe, and now he's regretting it.

"Not really." He shifts uncomfortable, suddenly feeling stiff, like a stranger in his own bed.

He wants to forget. Wants to stop thinking about him. Wants to stop aching Liquor and sex are a decent band-aid, but beneath the skin, he's still badly bruised.

"I don't doubt you're a good listener, it's just that I'm a bad talker." He gives her a half-smile. It's a bad joke, only kind of funny because it's mostly true.

But Alex is so soft, soft enough that she doesn't hurt leaning into him, soft enough he doesn't want her to go, because without her he's left to his own abrasive thoughts. It's selfish, he knows it is, she deserves better than to be his comforter.

"I didn't go looking for anything. It just sort of... happened. I don't know what I was thinking, starting anything in a place like this, with what I've got going on back home. He had his own stuff going on, too. Guess I got too attached, was asking for too much, when I shouldn't have been. He never wanted it. I just ignored the signs, because it felt good."

He sighs, scrubs at his face. Closes his eyes, and turns his face into her hair. Forces his heart down out of his throat and back into his chest.

"But this feels good too."
deploy: (john61)

[personal profile] deploy 2018-04-24 10:51 pm (UTC)(link)
John snorts against her neck at her joke. It’s terrible, but appreciated. He’d rather laugh than cry.

“I don’t know.” A pause, concentrating on the sensation of Alex’s touch to keep himself grounded. He soaks up the proximity of her. It’s the first comfort he’s allowed himself since his downward spiral became a free-fall. The random bar hook ups aren’t the same as this. He doesn’t want to know their names, doesn’t want them to knows his. He isn’t looking to strangers to give him pleasure. He’s looking for them to turn him numb.

“No. He had his reasons, and they were valid.” John’s thought about it. Going to Poe and begging on his knees. Offering up whatever he wants, even if it’s just sex with no strings attached. Something’s better than nothing. John wants to tell himself it’s a matter of pride, but pride isn’t the half of it. Truth is, he just can’t handle being rejected a second time.

He’ll wait for the storm to pass. He knows it will, eventually, and Poe will be just one more scar amongst many. Except deeper than most, because he’d let him in farther than anyone. Like a goddamn fool. No wonder Poe had run in the opposite direction. No one sees that much of John Sheppard and stays. Hell, he’d leave himself if he could.

Never again.

He starts kissing Alex’s jaw, rough hand sliding up and down her side.

“I don’t wanna talk anymore. Sex, shower, or breakfast. Lady’s choice.”
deploy: (pic#12143371)

NP! Let's call it fin with this happy ending

[personal profile] deploy 2018-05-14 02:20 am (UTC)(link)
"You're right. Actually dropping the soap is only half as hot as it sounds." Which is to say, negative levels of hot.

John wraps an arm around her, pulling her back down onto the bed with him. Kissing her back. Needy, and more than a little desperate. Everything he can't say with words, the loneliness, and the hurt, communicated with his lips.

He doesn't know if he'll get over Poe. He doesn't know if he'll ever want to try for something close to a relationship again. All he knows right now is that Alex is here, and she's kind, and she's warm, and he needs her. He's grateful she's here.

John can't say it, but he can show his appreciation in other ways.

"Sex it is."